my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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