Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
