I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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