I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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