she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
