Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
