Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Someone signed my nipple.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
