why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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