That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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