It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
