just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
