Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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