why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my being single is dangerous.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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