If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
