she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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