He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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