So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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