The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
