haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
