we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
