she woke up with a sticky ear
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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