Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
