There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize