The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
