Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
