I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She even gives head with a lisp.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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