i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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