life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize