I'm gonna have a badass scar
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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