I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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