Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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