Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
