I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
