the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
