She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
