I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
