he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
