FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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