I'm gonna have a badass scar
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
