I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
