A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
