i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Randomize
