I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
