So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
