mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
