I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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