I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
