I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
