When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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