Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
