im having a threesome with these popsicles
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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