well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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