Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
