Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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