You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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