Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
