oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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