god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You may now shotgun with the bride
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
