I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
