South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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