how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
did i just pee glitter
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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