I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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