Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
