I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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