I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize