I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
