it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
it's like heaven, but drunker
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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