i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
