Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
